


Help me. Don't do this.

by yungbeanxx



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Drug Use, Experimentation, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 10:29:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yungbeanxx/pseuds/yungbeanxx
Summary: How it all started





	Help me. Don't do this.

I took the small bong and held it nervously in my hands. This was real and I was doing this. I wanted this didn't I? A friend lit the bowl and the group chanted and cheered as I sucked the smoke into my lungs and suddenly heard the gurgling and crunching from the bottom of the glass and the bong was taken from my mouth. I held the smoke in my lungs and felt the heat fill my body. I exhaled in a loud sigh because of the warmth that filled me. I at first felt nothing at all. And then, as if I forgot where I was, a pipe was being handed to me and I refused. My chest felt red hot and I began to cough. The group said it was okay, everyone coughed. I laughed in between shaky breaths, and fear overwhelmed me. I could feel my heart beating against my chest, and in what may have been seconds or minutes I forgot where I was. I could feel my legs bouncing on the balls of my feet, but where they really? Yes, they were, I was shaking all over and couldn't stop. I looked up to my friend in shock as she passed me the pipe again. I took it and as she lit the bowl, my hands unable to move and not being able to see well enough to process that I was holding it backwards, i breathed deeply and let the smoke fill my lungs again. I exhaled as she brought it to her lips and did the same. I took one last, hard drag and sat back in my seat. I no longer felt the lighter in my hand or my phone in my back pocket. I could no longer listen to the conversation. I could only see glimpses of what was going on, and what I did see, what dull colored figures in the shapes of people I thought were my friends. Having tiny moments of clarity I told myself I was in control of my body. I was wrong. Everyone laughed and said they wished they could be like me. Wished they didn't have the tolerance they had. Truthfully? I was just entering into my own personal hell. I sat leaned against the cream couch cushions, repeatedly squeezing the black lighter in my hand to keep me grounded. Time passed but I don't know how much. How is she standing? My vision was slow and i couldn't think straight. They asked me a question and I couldn't answer. I knew the answer but my body wouldn't work. They left me inside. Feeling bad, I can only assume, my friend came inside and coaxed me outside to smoke a cigarette. I agreed for I didn't want her to feel bad for me because I could handle myself. I stood, barely. I made my way to the door, my world flipping on its axis. All I could think was that I needed him and I'm not sure why because I'm not sure who he is. Nevertheless, his face keeps flashing behind my eyelids and I feel my eyes start to water. I stood on the porch, in fear of falling over, and leaned against the wall. Asking if I needed to sit down, I sat on the second step and layed my head against the white paint. My friends said I should smoke, it will lessen the high. That's all I wanted. My mouth was so dry. I couldn't move my tongue, my lips felt chalky. So I smoked a cigarette, but to no avail. The feeling never changed no matter how hard I pulled the different, more familiar, smoke into my lungs. They decided it was time to leave and I dropped my cigarette on my shoe in shock, quickly kicking it away, I stood and swayed in my haste. Everyone was already half way to the car, how much time had passed? I walked carefully, but quickly, keeping my head down to keep the ground still and sat in the back seat of the maroon car I'd spend the rest of the night in. I don't remember all of what happened next. I remember showing up in the parking lot of the store and telling my friend my pin number so she could use my debit card, why would i do that? I don't know. She took $40 from me, I learned after the fact. Her brother standing at the door laughing at me as I sat with my mouth agape trying to grasp reality. "Ride the high", he said. "Don't let it ride you." What does that even mean? I remember, bits and pieces, of dropping off a girl, and moving to the front seat. What a feat. My friend came back and talked to her brother and dug around in the back seat. My eyes never opened. She put a bag in my lap and we pulled out of the parking lot leaving the other car. I was scared. We pulled into the gas station and she told me to eat, get something to drink to quench the awful dryness that had taken over my mouth. Like nothing I had ever felt before. I took a bite of the taquito as she told me the price of what my money had just purchased. Eight dollars, six? I kept eating, knowing i was eating too fast to be attractive. I looked so fat. I had to eat it before she got back in the car and so i did. And the other one. I took a drink of water, and another. And when she came back she offered me a maple bar and so I took it and ate most of it. But then nausea came over me and I could eat no more. I held the remaining donut in my right hand between two fingers and sat there with my water bottle in the other. How much time passed? The car moving quickly through the dark she asked for my donut, said i didn't have to hold it. I gave it to her and she asked if I wanted the rest of it. There was two bites left. It's sitting on the dash now. Why are my hands sticky? Where is he? We pull into the parking lot looking for a friend. Who? Good parking spot. I'll just stay in the car. "No", they said, "You have to come. You can't even tell you're high", I can tell. Laughter. We walk outside and i can barely stand. Her brother laughs. We find a girl I used to know, please help me. She doesn't know. We walk around, i can't walk. We go inside pushing through people, anxiety sets in. Too many people. Touching me from every side. A friend i know you, English class. Okay. Paranoia sets in, they know. I stand with my back against the wall so as not to fall. "They can't even tell" they said, "You're fine, just acting quiet." We stand and wait and wait and my friend leaves. Her brother and my English friend are left with me. I'm grateful for her brother because he didn't leave. I am so alone. She comes back smelling of cigarette smoke. How awful is that? We are in a church. Doesn't she know that? We wait for 34 minutes. Lifetimes. I need to pee. Friend, where's the restroom? I'm currently losing control of my body. She ignores me, then asks 18 minutes later if I still need to go. "Yes." She shows me. I pee and it's the first time I felt okay all night. I grab the phone off the toilet paper dispenser. My phone. I open Snapchat, who do I contact? My old friend. I tell her i need help, she laughs at me and says I'm fine. I shake in fear and flush the toilet. Careful to keep my phone tight in my hand, knowing it was the only thing connecting me to reality. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror, one lucid moment. I looked totally normal. My eyes just slightly bloodshot, but only by my standards. That's lucky I guess. My hands leaving water outlines on the counter, I stood up straight and everything blurred. I used the hand dryer for the warmth. Or did I use paper towels? She came in to pee. I thought to myself, "Thank you i would have gotten lost." Or did I say it out loud? She returned and asked if i was okay, i said yes. No. "I'm not having a good time," She chuckled and hugged me and pulled me out into the hallway. Did she wash her hands? I met back with her brother, "Not much longer," they said. What is this and why are we here? The door opened and we were pushed in. Oh so many people. I can't. They can't hear me. Who do I follow? I'm getting lost. Hold this. Okay, holding the bag kept me grounded as I followed the red jacket. Losing seconds I followed. What time is it? Hours spent in here with people and clothes and church and everyone can tell. We leave and I am happy. But back to the car, the dangerous car. I drink water and sit in front, i think I'm in front. She texts and listens to music, but she's driving. Fear overwhelms me, we're going to die. Him. We drive and I want to cry. But i can't bring my eyes to respond. It's dark now. I pull out my phone to check the time. Him, yes. Text him. Help i sound weird. Okay normal, "I love you babe I'm sorry, work ik..." I don't remember. I put the phone in my lap, gripping it tightly with my hands, waiting for a response. I don't remember. Back at the house and she is smoking in the car staring at me waiting for a reply. She asks questions and I reply with sad answers. But i can't help it. I'm not controlling my body. I'm depressed my family sucks i want to die but i can't because of him. Him. The only thing good I've got going for me, where is he? We leave I think. Pick up the girl? Back seat? Riding, town, burgers. Oh she's working okay. When did her brother get here? Okay, drive. Taco bell for free drinks, she works there. He replies to me, I'm so thankful. I can't remember. He's on break, ten minutes, but we won't get there in time. I want him. We drive around his work and i don't see him. We go inside, I don't remember getting there. And they call his name, he looks up from the kitchen and makes eye contact with me, confused. He is so beautiful. I order fries without knowing it and suddenly I'm sitting. Talking to a girl about drugs, "Don't do it!" I scream, but my lips won't move. I munch fries, Where did they come from? I'll move so you can sit down. Yes I'm just here for him. I just want him. He doesn't get off for another hour, please can i just stay. I need him. I want to scream at the top of my lungs but I can't. We leave and go to the car, again unsafe. They try to tell me it's okay, that she's a good driver. I don't believe them. I can't feel my hands. How long will this last? It's been five and a half hours. Make it stop. Please. Girl and kiss and more smoke. I can't. It smells so bad why didn't i notice before? Hot boxing, I'm faking sobriety, i can't function. Cigarettes and perfume, back to work? No driving, why driving. 30 minute break. What? Where are the parents? Back at work, cigarette and more perfume, you're welcome. Stupid shoes being thrown and lighters. My lighter. Where is he? Back to work and we sit, she's not meeting us oh dear she's late. He is off work, 8:06 I'm sorry. I want him, I need him. I can't have him. I think I need to go home. I'm feeling a bit better as I straighten my body in my seat, back seat again. I need to go home, I'm lost. We're going the wrong way i can't see because it's too dark. Dad I'm on my way, paranoid I'm in so much trouble. Finally the high is starting to wear off but it's hard to focus. I can't, i lose time. Home, paranoid, please take my cigarettes please. When did I take my jacket off? I've been so cold. The smell of perfume and smoke invaded my nostrils with the cold night air. I pull my jacket back over my shoulders. "Thank you" they said, "thank you" I said. I walked and walked, but it was so dark. The black and the cold consumed me and I was so so so very scared of my surroundings. Breathing heavy, my heart was pounding against my chest as I walked up the long driveway and stopped just short of the range of the light. Catching my breath, I carefully made my way inside my trailer. Closing the door quietly behind me, Dad, "I'm home putting on my pajamas," I texted. Okay. I change my clothes slowly and I still smell so strongly of cigarettes. Tears escape as I wash away my makeup with a face wipe. I put coconut scented hair oil in my hair to mask the scent, and pull it up into a bun, not suspicious at all. I contemplated leaving my phone outside so it wouldn't be taken away but i needed to know what happened tonight. Even though my goal was to erase evidence. I took it with me inside. The tv was on, playing our usual show and I said I needed to use thw bathroom. I really just needed a few minutes to regroup. I washed my hands. My phone held no answers, so please parents, don't ask any questions.  I made food, I needed to stay away from my family. "Don't act suspicious," I tell myself. I'm feeling fine comparitively, "don't let them see you running into things and swaying, eat my food, don't be suspicious they can all see you." It hits me again, and with a sudden realization I know that I am yet again, high. Not quite as high as before, but the first time hadn't completley worn off yet. They had been hot boxing. Why was i so stupid? I'm swaying and can't think straight and I'm running into things, I'm losing time again. I'm so scared they'll find out. I busy myself with kitchen tasks and then i forget what I'm doing and then I'm in bed somehow. My dog won't sleep but i can't go back inside, i can't stand up. I cry and think, "I'm so sorry. So sorry." Finally he sleeps and I lay there for what feels like days letting this wear off. I thought this was supposed to make you feel good, make you sleep. It didn't. I woke up thinking i was fine, i wasn't. I couldn't type correctly and I layed in bed for four more hours. I went inside and looked normal enough on the outside. I then layed down in the recliner, suddenly exhausted, being awoken a bit later by my mother. I don't feel good and my mind isnt working. My mouth keeps messing up the words and they're going to find out... no. I'm better but still anxious all day. Then suddenly my hands feel wrong. I cant breathe right and i want to throw up. These don't feel like my hands and this doesn't feel like my face. I don't understand. What's going on? Because it's been 24 hours. I can't move correctly but no one notices. I need help. It's midnight and I have to go to bed but i can't sleep because I'm so afraid. I'm laying in bed typing this, thinking it will make me feel better, but it doesn't. My hands don't feel right. My brain says to move my hands to test my theory, and they move without me realizing I'm moving them. I'm so scared. Why is this still lasting? What is going on? I think I'm having an panic attack. I don't know what to do and no one is awake to help me. I can't breath i need help. I'm so cold. Please make it stop. I'm so guilty and I'm so sorry and i need To see him to know he's not mad at me for this. I'm so sad i want to cry. Friday. Please make this stop by morning. It doesn't ever stop.


End file.
